Damn, NBC, a little overconfident there?

So I was at home last night, watching Last Comic Standing (where Gerry Dee pulled out a more… television-friendly version of the most hilarious joke ever… YouTube video at the end of this post) when I saw a commercial for this fall’s NBC lineup. Specifically, it was touting what NBC is hoping to make its key (and theoretically LOST-defeating) trifecta of The Bionic Woman, Heroes and Journeyman. Heroes, obviously, started last year, but the other two shows are new. NBC is running the promos like they’re all established hits — bad marketing, in my opinion. But let’s break it down.

First, the new shows. I have to say, The Bionic Woman looks pretty awesome. Unlike the original series, the re-make will have a far darker and more violent edge — you can already see it in the promos they’re airing. I like the darker take on it, and I think it looks interesting, although whether it will sustain my interest past an episode or two is very much in the air. Then there’s Journeyman, which is getting (frankly) terrible reviews in the few magazines who have previewed even part of the pilot. The last thing I saw about it (in what was either Rolling Stone or US Weekly… totally different, I know, but I get them both and I read them back to back) was that the pilot and series would have to be totally reworked for the show to be a success. Television critics who are willing to say that so early on (even if they work for crap like US Weekly) need a lot of balls… and are probably right.

So what does NBC sandwich into the middle of that to make sure people stick around for Journeyman? Why, Heroes, of course. And while I was excited for Heroes when it was announced last year — it sounded awesome — I was incredibly disappointed, even angered, by its actual execution.

First of all, you are not LOST. I’m sorry Heroes, I know you want to be — hell, you really, really try to be — but you are not LOST. It took LOST 2 whole seasons to build up the kind of hype and anticipation they have now; the first season’s cliffhangers and mysteries led to increased second season speculation and mythology, that led to an engaging online summer game, that led to full-on frenzy during the third season. That means LOST earned the right to promo mysteries and plot turns and have the world practically stop to watch. You, Heroes, started your season with “Next week on”s that tried to capture the breathless anticipation of the LOST universe without any of the effort.

And “Save The Cheerleader, Save The World?” You killed that in episode, like, six!!! The whole point of having a big catchphrase like that in your promos is to pull viewers along all season. But you totally jumped the shark. And after you jumped the shark, and the writing (which was pretty damn bad to begin with) got even worse, you then tried, tried, to make us care about Sylar and Milo Whats-his-face’s character (Peter? Was that one Peter?) when all we really wanted to do was watch Hiro because Hiro is the only character who is both complex and funny enough to be even remotely entertaining. Claire threw fits, her father got awesome (ok, ok, Mr. Bennett FTW, though it’s a close race with Hiro, lemme say), mind-reading cop got lamer and lamer, and the whole thing ended with an episode that was really boring, and really, really disappointing. You lose, Heroes. You cannot promote your show as “the most exciting show of last year.” Bullshit. That title belongs to LOST. It always has, and it always will. Well, except when 24 is good, because when that show’s on it’s pretty much a fight to the death between it and LOST. But you catch my drift.

The bottom line is that Heroes is vastly over-marketed, and its marketing, thusfar, has far outshone the show itself. Heroes needs better writing and more patience if they even hope to establish the kind of fanatical following LOST inspires. So back off, Heroes. We’ll fight you.

UPDATE: Whoops! I forgot to put up that YouTube I promised. Well here it is, the more explicit version of Gerry Dee’s excellent school project joke that includes the punchline that nearly made me wet my pants:

– Sara Tenenbaum

Boys who learn their place! Woot!

Ashton Kutcher is a funny man, a sexy man, and a very taken man. He’s interviewed in September’s Harper’s Bazaar, and it seems he’s learned a man’s very important place in a woman’s (especially a famous, photographed woman’s) public life:

Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company, so when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana. Feel free to be even more vague than that: ‘Wow, that suit makes you look like that hot football player!’ Trust me, say any of this and you won’t be able to get him to take the damn suit off. When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.

[snip]

Make sure the look isn’t too matchy-matchy. Your best bet is to match the man gear to that great new Balenciaga bag that you’re planning to carry. If your bag works with your outfit, so will he.

Apparently, the most important thing Demi Moore took away from GI Jane was the ability to put her man through fashion boot camp. And while I’m sure Ashton’s being at least a little sarcastic here… damn. He’s whipped.

–Sara Tenenbaum

I never met a dead man… er, woman…

Imagine joining the military, going through basic training, hurting yourself, desperately trying to live off your $115/month disability checks, and then find that they’ve stopped coming because the Veterans Administration thinks you’re dead… and won’t take your word for it that you’re not!

This is really happening, to a young woman in Georgia named Lisa Kohlhagen:

The V.A. approved her for 10 percent disability, but two months ago, her $115 monthly checks stopped coming. She called the Army for an explanation.

“And I called them because it wasn’t there and they said, ‘You’re dead,’ and I said, ‘No, I’m not dead.’ And they kept trying to tell me I was dead but I’m not,” said Kohlhagen.

How, exactly, do you not believe the actual person when they tell you they are not dead. Don’t you think they would know? And I know, I know, you can make the argument that you don’t really know whether or not that person is the person they say to be, but… I don’t know. I think if I was telling someone I wasn’t dead, I’d be really offended when they didn’t believe me.

To top it all off, Lisa’s still not getting her disability checks, even though the V.A. has now officially marked her as “alive.”

–Sara Tenenbaum

Gonzales is Gone

After months and months of testifying with the same old stories and being unable to recall just about anything having to do with anything, Alberto Gonzales is finally resigning as Attorney General. From the Washington Post:

The official said Gonzales submitted a letter on Friday saying he had decided to step down, but the announcement was withheld until he met with President Bush at the president’s Crawford ranch. His resignation will be announced at a press conference scheduled at 10:30.

[snip]

Gonzales’ resignation marks the loss of another Bush loyalist at a time when his support in public opinion polls has been lagging. Though Bush had voiced continued support for Gonzales, a longtime ally from Texas, the attorney general’s support in Congress had withered after a series of run-ins that prompted some lawmakers to allege he had committed perjury.

His testimony on issues like a federal wiretap program required follow-up explanations and was contradicted by documents or the statements of other federal officials. At hearings on the U.S. attorney firings, Gonzales frequently said he could not remember details about key events — frustrating members of Congress who felt he was trying to minimize his role in politically motivated dismissals.

I’m torn between celebration and frustration. On the one hand, he’s out. Thank god he’s finally fucking out. The disgrace that he — as one of many Bush appointees — has brought to our executive branch is humiliating. As an American, watching his weak and obviously false testimony to Congress, I was ashamed for my country and my fellow citizens. The complete lack of respect that Bush and his entire administration has for the people they are sworn to serve is sickening.

But on the other hand, how much pride am I supposed to have in my party, in my Democrats, for letting him wallow in office until he felt like throwing in the towel. This resignation might have been somewhat forced by public opinion, but the outrage should have been so loud, so howling, that he had to resign immediately after his second set of testimony… not a few months later when he found it convenient. I don’t want to bash my Dems — they’re such a better alternative than the corrupt cesspool of the Republican party that I can’t imagine them doing anything but wholly fixing this country (and I don’t care what the media wants us to believe, just because Democrats aren’t the kind of snarling ideologues that Republicans are does not make them weak or bad at governing — doesn’t anyone remember Bill Clinton anymore???) — but I am not entirely happy with this. Howl, already; everyone should be kicking and screaming to get these bastards fucking out!

Back to the topic at hand, though. The only real downside to this resignation is that Bush now has an opportunity to appoint someone for the next year — and his options include some major douchebags (pardon my language, but there’s no other proper word for them). According to the Post, possible nominees include former deputy AG James Comey (gross), former deputy attorney Larry Thompson (double gross), and current Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff (triple gross, with puke x 1,000,000 thrown in). Ugh.

I can’t wait for 2008.

–Sara Tenenbaum

Japan’s about to have its ass kicked

Sometimes you go out after work on Friday, drink a lot of martinis, go back to a friend’s house for more vodka, and then end up at Ben’s Chili Bowl at 2 a.m. stuffing the best chili cheese fries of all time into your mouth to neutralize the wonderful poison in your stomach before stumbling into a cab and then eventually into bed. Sometimes you have really weird dreams about strange people and places before waking up and finding they’re real.

Over at Oh No They Didn’t this morning, I saw the following YouTube videos. They’re commercials — in Japan, of course — for Season 6 of 24. Each commercial comes with a verse of “The Jack Bauer Song.” And Japan calls him a crybaby! Dude, Japan, you are totally about to have your ass kicked:

Translation: I am Jack Bauer: I get pissed off very easily
I am Jack Bauer: Unexpectedly a crybaby

Translation: I am Jack Bauer: I’m already in huge trouble
I am Jack Bauer: Somehow, I don’t die

Happy Saturday!

–Sara Tenenbaum

Young Hollywood LOVES Jail

Alright, alright, I’m a little late, but it’s not my fault! Who told Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie to get all jail-icious on us while I was getting my hair cut? Luckily for me, I was playing with my stylists iPhone (which I still can’t get behind, but it’s handy to have internets when your highlights are setting), and managed to both hear about and form an opinion about the next batch of jailbird jailbait. HA. That was a good pun. Not very applicable, but good. Gimme props, peeps.

Let’s start with Ms. Lohan, who hasn’t entered the clink yet — unless you count the lovely Cirque Lodge in Utah as some sort of clink (it’s not, it’s very, very nice rehab). Here’s the full info on what they did, what she said, and what ended up happening:

LA County police decided not to charge Ms. Lohan with any of the felony drug posession charges she was eligible. Their reasoning was that the amount(s) of cocaine she posessed were not large enough to warrant the higher charge. It should be noted, however, that they charged her with 7 misdemeanors, including misdemeanor cocaine posession, so it’s not like the charges were dropped. Other chargest included driving with a blood alcohol contect (BAC) above .08, being under the influence of cocaine and reckless driving. Lohan plead “no contest” to those charges, and two other DUI charges were dropped under the plea agreement. She was sentenced to a total of four days in jail, which the judge dropped to 2 days in exchange for 10 days of community service. She was given credit for time spent in jail, and so her final jail sentence is one day. The full terms of her sentence are as follows:

1 day in jail (to be served before January 18)

10 days of community service

She is required to attend 18 months of alcohol education program

She is required to attend a drug program

She is required to stay at Cirque Lodge for rehab for an unspecified amount of time

3 years of probation

Now, I let loose a rant to end all rants about Paris Hilton and why she deserved those 42 days in jail. I will now say this about Lindsay Lohan: That is a very fair, very appropriate sentence. I think she’s displayed the characteristics of a true addict; if that is the case, than a sentence that is heavier on the rehabilitation and monitoring side is far more appropriate than punishment without treatment. The day she spends in jail (or however many hours) will probably scare her nice and good; the continuing treatment and probation will help her stay on track. Should the sentence work as the judge clearly intended it to do, she was become and remain a recovered/recovering addict. And that’s what you really hope for.

I do not think this sentence is too light; it’s a pretty standard sentence for just about anyone who is a first/second time offender. She has been subject to the rule of law — the four day sentence required for two DUIs in almost as many months — and the judge has considered her case carefully. That’s about all you can ask for, especially in Hollywood. Or, put it this way; if I, a middle class white woman, had committed the same crimes, I would be hoping for (and would probably receive) the same sentence. That seems fair to me.

Now, onto Miss Nicole Richie. Yesterday, around 3:15 p.m., when the world was freaking out about Lindsay’s sentencing, turned herself in to serve her four day DUI sentence. She served, in all, 82 minutes at Lynwood County Jail. The reason for her early discharge was overcrowding. And, truthfully, I don’t care. She went, she served; she certainly seemed far more contrite than Paris. She also didn’t flout the law the way Paris did, continuing to drive on a suspended license after being repeatedly told she could not do so. Nicole committed a crime, copped a plea, and then went ahead and fulfilled her responsibility without qualifiers and with pretty sincere public apologies. I don’t see any reason for her to hang out in jail for a few more days…. especially if she keeps laying low from this. The lack of publicity surrounding this whole escapade is almost… admirable?

Now, if these actresses would just go back to acting, and these socialities just stay in their damn circles and out of my way.

–Sara Tenenbaum

Familiar conversations and Obama on The Daily Show

From this week’s The Onion:

Neither Person in Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is
ASHLAND, OH–Despite their in-depth, seven-minute discussion on the pros and cons of hedge funds, neither Matthew Talbert, 27, nor Louis Dahlkemper, 29, has the slightest idea what the highly exclusive, unregulated private investment pools actually are. “Yup, hedge funds, that’s where the real money is,” said Dahlkemper, who is not only ignorant of financial concepts such as APR financing and the leave-a-penny, take-a-penny tray, but will also nenver come remotely close to achieving the minimum $1 million net worth requird to invest in a hedge fund. “What with the interest rates so high, the whole housing bubble, and 401ks the way they are, you can’t go wrong with one of those.” Talbert, who has accumulated nearly $30,000 in credit card debt, agreed with Dahlkemper, saying he would mostlikely get a hedge fund “after [his] next paycheck matures.”

Heheee! I feel like I have that conversation all the time… except I’m not deluded enough to think I will ever be able to invest in a hedge fund. Which, I guess, means I know more about hedge funds than these fictional heros.

Speaking of hedge funds… Barack Obama was on the Daily Show last night. I have to cop to the fact that I’ve been one of those semi-naysayers about Obama, spouting all that stuff about experience. Honestly, I believe this country needs to be fixed, in a fundamentals kind of way, before someone as talented and visionary as Obama gets into office so that he has the country running at its smoothest to implement the sweeping changes I believe only he will be able to impelement. That being said, he made a strong case against me last night…. No matter how I try, I cannot help but adore this man:

[NOTE: WordPress doesn't let me link to Comedy Central's video feed, so you have to go to the Daily Show website to see the interview. Sorry.]

–Sara Tenenbaum

Aww, Mary-Kate is Working!

Above is the first look we get of Mary-Kate Olsen on Weeds this fall on Showtime. I have to say, after a solid couple of years looking only at her weird, awesome, hobo-billionaire wardrobe through still pictures, it is truly wierd to see her moving and talking and being, like, alive and probably human. Go, Mary-Kate!

Also, can I just say that “God wants me to sell pot!” and “God also wants me to buy a BMW!” make me like this character more than a little bit? Why don’t I have Showtime? Who has premium channels I can mooch for a while….?

–Sara Tenenbaum

Bob Dylan’s 115th Movie

This is the trailer for I’m Not There, the new Bob Dylan semi-bio pic starring Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett (among others).

Something like six actors and one actress are portraying Dylan at different points in his life. I think this movie is going to be amazing, mainly because they gave Cate Blanchett the key Dylan years — 1965 and 1966, when he goes electric. She looks incredible in this movie… not only does she look like Dylan, but she has his mannerism and even his voice down pat. I can barely wait for this movie… out in limited release November 21.

–Sara Tenenbaum

The Best Show, EVER!

So, in a complete departure from the seriousness of my past two posts about meth and America…

SPOON IS GOING TO BE OPENING FOR THE SHINS ON OCTOBER 22 FOR THE SHOW I’M GOING TO!!!!!

Being as they are two of my favorite bands, and that I was super-disappointed I couldn’t see Spoon at Virgin Festival (even though I saw them in Baltimore in June), I’m SO FUCKING EXCITED for this!!!!

WOOOOOO!!!!

–Sara Tenenbaum